What story in your life do you connect to when I offer the word FUTILITY? Does the story also contain a feeling of HOPE or is it simply a memory of anger and sadness? Dr. Gordon Neufeld's book entitled, "Hold On To Your Kids" offers a perspective on the healthy aspects of futility that I found interesting. I am currently finishing my book entitled, "Hope For Our Children - The Power of Addressing Food Sensitivities" and was researching how to support children and families to make change. After having raised 4 kids who are now adults, I was intrigued to see what he thought and how it compared to what we did back then. No doubt it would offer some wisdom I could now use with our grandchildren!
The thrust of his entire book is the importance of children being attached to healthy adults rather than attached to their fickle, immature, and ever changing peer group. The attachment needs of children are a basic human need that the child fights tirelessly to satisfy. When parents spend quality time connecting with their children and allowing them a safe place to lean, they learn that the world is a positive place that they can depend on, no matter what they face. Children who do not find strong attachments from caring parents at home naturally gravitate to their peer group. The peer group becomes the focus of their attachment and they gradually pull away from their family. The peer group determines their behaviour and they begin to lose their sense of self as they strive to fit in.
Dr. Neufeld explains that one of the tasks of parents as they raise their children to be mature adults is allow them to experience futility; when they don't get what they want and are unable to change the situation. Whether it is a dropped ice cream cone, no invitation to the party, the death of a beloved pet or a chronic illness they hate, learning to go from being angry at this situation to allowing themself to feel sad is necessary. Rather than be enticed to try and fix the problem for the child, our role is to support them as they get past the anger they are experiencing and allow tears of sadness to appear. He also explains that children who are attached to their peers often remain stuck in the feeling of anger and lash out at the people around them as well as themselves. They find it almost impossible to feel or to express the true sadness of their situation. "Letting go of a desire we are attached to is most difficult even for adults, whether it be the wish that everyone like us or that a particular person love us, or that we become politically powerful. Not until we accept that what we have been trying to do cannot be done and fully experience the disappointment and sadness that follow can we move on with our lives". (Hold On To Your Kids page 122)
What happens to kids who do not have a strong attachment with their family? How is it that some children seem to thrive in life despite a very challenging home environment? Dr. Neufeld suggests it is because they have learned that attempting to get these needs satisfied is futile; they simply learn to let go and move on. "This emotional turning point comes when, instead of being fulfilled by what works, the child's brain registers that the attachment hunger is not going to be satisfied in this situation or at this time...... Our emotional circuitry is programmed to release us from the pursuit of contact and closeness not only when attachment hunger is fulfilled but also when we truly get that the desire for its fulfillment is futile." (Hold On To Your Kids page 122)
When I first read this book I wondered where the topic of hope might fit in. If we are feeling that a situation is futile, does that mean that we have also given up hope. I believe that futility actually offers an invitation to hope rather than destroying it. Once we acknowledge that a situation is not going to change, we are able to be open to new possibilities. Rather than be stuck repeating behaviours that have been unsucccessful, we are able to turn our attention to places of hope and consider what we might do differently. It reminds me of a fork in the road - when one path leads to a dead end we need only retrace out steps slightly and try the other way. We can remain hopeful that the other direction will offer us something wonderful, something unexpected, something that will be life giving rather than life draining.
When our children are faced with deep disappointments, our goal as parents is to simply hold them, love them, give them space to express their anger and frustration and encourage the tears of sadness to appear. When I reflect back on the experience of raising our children, I can see that the times that this occured, they were better able to let go of their disappointment and move on. I can see too, that as an adult I have found it easier to move past a difficult situation when I gave up trying to "fix" it and change it and allowed myself to simply feel the sadness of my circumstance.
What place in your life are you stuck in futility? Where is it that you need to let go of trying to change what is and open yourself up to new possibilities? What is it to choose hope?
