ANGER - A BLOCK TO FORGIVENESS

What do you do to manage your anger when you can feel it rising in your body? Do you lash out at what you believe is the cause or do you suck it up and say nothing? How does your anger get in the way of your ability to offer forgiveness to the people in your life? At my retreat over the weekend I learned many things and one of them was about the process of anger.

In his book "The Process of Forgiveness", William Meninger describers anger as a "defense mechanism which, when uncontrolled, takes on an animal-like aspect. Its purpose is to forcefully intimidate another into doing something we want. Rarely is it compatible with forgiveness or love." He suggests that all of our anger is related to frustation of one of three different human desires: the desire for security, the desire for control or the desire for approval. I found it interesting to think back on the many places in my life where I have become angry to see if what he suggests is true. I concluded that each of my incidents did, in fact, reflect one of these unmet desires.

Mr. Meninger makes an important distinction between actual control, security and approval and the desire for them "To deal with our desire is always within our power. It is the desire, not the control itself, that is responsible for anger. " For example, if your child wants to borrow your car and gets very pushy and demanding in his requests, your natural reaction is to push back and refuse to give in to his demands. Your "desire to control" is turned on and anger is the result. Once you are aware that this is what is happening, you can simply take a deep breath or two and notice what you are feeling. If you take a minute to calm yourself, notice the feelings you are experiencing in your body, and then quietly say to yourself, " I let go of my desire for control" you will find the feelings dissipating. Once you are calmer and more centered, you are better able to think rationally about a plan of action and respond in a calmer and more loving manner. Notice you never gave up your actual control in the circumstance. You only stopped the natural human instinct of wanting to step up and control something with a quick, knee jerk reaction. After a minute or two hesitation and a chance to regroup, you can better figure out how to actually control the situation from a more loving place.

I found this distinction between the desire for something and the actual doing of it interesting. I can see how it is my animal instinctual desire for something that kicks in before my rational mind has time to think clearly. I have been practicing this over the last couple of days and have noticed a big difference in the energy I feel when frustrated with a circumstance. Give it try and see how it works for you. Take a minute or two to notice whether it is your desire for control, for security or for acceptance that is driving the energy of your anger. After a few deep breaths, repeat the words in your head a few times, "I let go of my desire to control" and notice if the anger begins to slip away. Once you are calmer, then decide the appropriate course of action. I am sure the plan of action you arrive at will be much better than the one born out of anger.

It is almost impossible to forgive someone when you are harbouring a huge amount of anger toward them. Perhaps if we all are better at managing our anger in the moments when it appears, the feeling won't escalate over time and we will be quicker to forgive the people in our life.

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FINDING YOUR DREAM - HOW DO YOU DO THAT???

Today I am doing something new, inviting and a bit edgy - I am going on a silent retreat for the weekend. It was one of those lovely "coincidences that crossed my path last week and my soul lept at the peace and rest the idea offered. My recent vaccination for H1N1 had resulted in a flare up of my autoimmune disorder and I was pondering what it was that I needed. God's lovely voice whispered in my ear to "Google silent retreats" and the perfect one appeared. I always try to listen to these whisperings as they have offered me many gifts over the years so I decided to go.

Meditation, silence, quiet contemplation, and prayer have always helped me quiet the background noise of my life so I could find answers to whatever questions were in front of me. I have certainly increased my time spent listening rather than "doing" over the last year and it has made a big difference in my life. Paths become clear, creative ideas percolate to the surface, and old stories and feelings can be felt then let go.

One of my reasons for choosing this silent retreat is to again try to clarify the path of my work. I have multiple opportunities, different directions I can choose, and a need to be efficient in what I choose to honour the balance I want in my life. I know that it is in the silence and the letting go of my own agenda that I find my way.

What about you? What dreams do you have that you are pushing aside because of the busy "doing" of your life? What exciting opportunities are being created in your life that you are not willing to try because your saboteur tells you it is "impossible"? Is your life so full of "opportunities" that, rather than listen to your soul and choose the resonant ones, you are grabbing at them all and feeling exhausted?

Marcia Wider who calls herself America's dream coach has listed 10 steps she suggests will help you recognize your dream when it appears. We all have natural gifts and talents that we are meant to use to enrich this world but often we miss the opportunities or are too afraid to take a risk. Here is her list. Take a few minutes to ponder where in your life these steps might be calling you to some amazing journey.

1. ENERGY AND ENTHUSIASM
When an opportunity appears in your life that makes you feel alive and excited, take time to explore the idea. If you find yourself thinking about the idea often, imaging what is possible or how your life would be changed if you took the chance, explore the idea further.

2. SIGNS
When you notice common themes, opportunities, and perhaps even dreams that speak to a particular idea, take time to ponder what information might be being offered.

3. THINKING
Often the topics related to your dream are so compelling that they absorb your thoughts, even when you are doing other things.

4. CLARITY AND CONFUSION
Sometimes you are totally clear on what you want and how the dream will feel and sometimes the edginess of the idea has you confused and shaking in your boots. Both experiences simply mean you are up to something big and that you are ready for a big leap or change. Keep exploring the idea as clarity and decisions will come.

5. EASE AND GRACE
This is the experience that appears when things just seem to flow and the pieces fit into place. Despite hitting hurdles and disappointments, the path somehow has a feeling of ease.

6. KNOWING AND TRUSTING
This is the experience of knowing something is right "in your bones." You might not be able to explain why but your intuition is telling you to go for it. Listen carefully and don't let your saboteur make up a story about why it won't work.

7. SHORTCUTS
When unexplained opportunties appear without you having to work hard to create them, they are gifts being offered to your story. Accept these gifts and notice how much easier they make the path you are on. The right time and right place for your dream might just have appeared!

8. CONNECTIONS
Sometimes the right people and right opportunities appear magically in your life. Just when you were struggling to figure out how to find a book agent, a friend offers the perfect connection. Or, like me, just when you knew you needed something but weren't sure what, a silent retreat appears on your computer.

9. JUST FOR YOU
When you have the perfect set of skills, passions, and interests to do a job, this is more than coincidence. Dreams most often allow you to pick up your own unique gifts and talents and use them in a way that makes a difference in the world.

10. JOY AND ABUNDANCE
If the idea of doing what your dream is offering brings a smile to your face, a spring to your step, and makes your heart sing, you are in right place! If the idea of never getting to pursue this dream feels sad and difficult, take a risk, make a plan, and leap!! The magic available on the other side of the risk might just change your experience of your life.

For me, as I have written these 10 points here, I have more clarity for myself. Every one of the these items points me in the direction of finishing my book and then speaking on the topic when I am done. I am passionate about the impact of food on the health, behaviour and learning of children and their families and I have 27 years experience of living this story with myself and my own family. It is a dream to offer this information back to the world as I know, first hand, how much it can change lives. Perhaps my retreat this weekend will offer a little more wisdom on the topic. I will practice letting go of my own agenda and trust that what I hear will be perfect for what I need. I hope you will learn to do the same.

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HOW DO YOU SHOW UP IN THE SMALL MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE?

Mother Theresa said, "We can do no great things, just small things with great love." I love this quote as it is a reminder to be intentional about how we show up in our life day to day, minute by minute. While the significant things we do for others are always appreciated, it is most often the small, seemingly insignificant things we offer that have the biggest impact. When in your life has someone reached across the table and taken your hand when you were upset? When has someone just called to say hi when they knew your were having a difficult time? When did you take a minute from your busy life to smile at the elderly man at the bus stop or the homeless man sitting on the cold sidewalk in the rain? When is the last time you hugged your child as they run by or told a friend how much of a difference they make in your life?

Where you focus in life is where your life goes. If you live in moments of gratitude as you travel through your day, the experience of your life with be transformed. We all long to be known and seen so having someone give us even a few moments of their undivided interest and attention feels amazing. Nowhere is this more obvious than in hospitals of all kinds. As a nurse, I have witnessed thousands of "moments" where someone's sadness, pain, and fear is lessened by a momentary touch, a smile, or a listening ear.

So, I challenge you today to be present in your life as you go. Don't rush past the people, the flowers, the children, the sunsets, the music or the thousands of small things that will cross your path today. Give the people you meet a moment of your time and attention and watch how it will transform the experience of your day.

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Testimonial

Several months ago before my journey with Marg began, it was feeling very limited about where my life was headed, specifically career wise. I had put myself in a box thinking that there was only one direction I could go and I wasn't good enough to try anything else. Marg has helped me realize that my strengths, abilities and skills are far greater than I was allowing them to be. I am now so much more confident and have a clear idea of a new career path I want to take. Marg has given me tools that I will be able to use for the rest of my life, particularly in the decision making process. She is incredibly patient and respectful yet knows exactly when to ask questions and how hard to push. I would highly recommend Marg's coaching to anyone and would jump at the opportunity to work with her again in the future.

Renata Heel
age 25

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TAMING YOUR WORRY GREMLIN

I am up early this morning and aware of the "worry" on my mind. Rather than drift peacefully back to sleep which is what I would choose, I can feel myself pondering the topics ruminating in my thoughts. Did our new grandson finally poop after one full week of not going despite being breastfed? How did our young grandson and daughter in law sleep after having their flu vaccine yesterday? How will my conversation go this afternoon with an organization committed to helping families with autism?

I am surprised by my wakefulness as none of these topics seem logically to be a big issue for me. What about you - what topics are playing out in your thoughts that are making rest a little more difficult than you would like?

As I thought about my predicament, I decided to do something productive about it. I learned long ago that "worry" is best managed first by doing something concrete to find a practical answer to the question on my mind. So, I searched the internet for information and discovered that breastfed babies often poop infrequently and, as long as they aren't in pain, they are fine. Great - something I already knew but needed a reminder. I then remembered my suggestion to our daughter in law that she and our grandson take Tylenol just in case the vaccination gives them some symptoms and makes sleep more difficult - something she really can't afford with a newborn! I then thought about my meeting this afternoon and how privileged I am to look forward to spending some time with people committed to supporting families facing challenges - a passion of mine.

So, after a few minutes of thought and research on the internet, I let go of my worries. Finding some type of concrete action or forward moving plan seemed to take the energy out of the issues and allow me to trust that all will be well. It also allows me to trust that if a challenge does appear, I have loads of options at my disposal to find an answer.

It is true, however, that when the "worry" feels very large such as a new diagnosis of autism for our child, a diagnosis of a serious or chronic illness in a family member, or the fear of losing our job, moving past worry is infinitely more difficult. When we are in the midst of a challenging story, fear and worry often loom large in front of us and are difficult to quiet.

So, what can we do when faced with the big worries of life? Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. Take time to notice how much of your "worry" is based in fact and how much is your imagination running ahead of you. Take a piece of paper and write down your thoughts and then read them over to yourself. What is true and what are you allowing yourself to believe is true - there is a big difference. If you have a new diagnosis of a difficult disease, your current symptoms are a challenge but imaging how the story will play out in a year's time is imagining the unknown.

2. Share your worries with a trusted person who will listen without judgment. Often the outside perspective of someone else can help you find a more balanced and realistic view of your situation. At the very least, sharing the story helps lessen the feeling that you need to go it alone.

3. Do something practical that will help. It might be to search the internet as I did to find some answers. It might be go back to your doctor and ask for clarification and answers to your questions. I might be connecting with others facing similar challenges to learn how they have coped. Whatever you do, do something. Being proactive allows you to regain a sense of control over the situation.

4. Find a way to create joy and balance in your life. Worries have a way of preoccupying the mind and draining energy. You will be amazed how a walk in the sunshine, lunch with a friend, exercise at the gym or even a nap might shift your perspective.

5. Lean into your faith if you have one. You can only do what you can do and then you must learn to let go of the outcome from there. If you can trust that God is watching over you and your situation, simply living for today and letting tomorrow take care of itself will be easier.

6. Give your worry space but only within limits. Worrying thoughts can preoccupy your mind all day long if you let them. Try, instead, to set aside a time for worrying and immerse yourself totally in the experience. Notice how you feel, what you are thinking, how your body feels and anything else that pops up. Truly FEEL the experience and don't push it away. Our tendency is often to avoid painful situations and to attempt to numb them over with things like food, alcohol, grabbing at friends, or avoiding addressing the situation all together. It is much easier to move past a challenge by allowing yourself to fully experience it first and then go on with your day. I suggest that you set a timer for 15 minutes or so and then be committed to putting the worry aside and carrying on with your life when the timer goes off. Seem like an odd idea - give it try! It really works.

"If I had my life to live over, I might have more actual troubles but I would have fewer imaginary ones." (Don Harold)

"That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you can not change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent. (Chinese proverb)

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