FUTILITY AND HOPE

What story in your life do you connect to when I offer the word FUTILITY? Does the story also contain a feeling of HOPE or is it simply a memory of anger and sadness? Dr. Gordon Neufeld's book entitled, "Hold On To Your Kids" offers a perspective on the healthy aspects of futility that I found interesting.
I am currently finishing my book entitled, "Hope For Our Children - The Power of Addressing Food Sensitivities" and was researching how to support children and families to make change. After having raised 4 kids who are now adults, I was intrigued to see what he thought and how it compared to what we did back then. No doubt it would offer some wisdom I could now use with our grandchildren!

The thrust of his entire book is the importance of children being attached to healthy adults rather than attached to their fickle, immature, and ever changing peer group. The attachment needs of children are a basic human need that the child fights tirelessly to satisfy. When parents spend quality time connecting with their children and allowing them a safe place to lean, they learn that the world is a positive place that they can depend on, no matter what they face. Children who do not find strong attachments from caring parents at home naturally gravitate to their peer group. The peer group becomes the focus of their attachment and they gradually pull away from their family. The peer group determines their behaviour and they begin to lose their sense of self as they strive to fit in.

Dr. Neufeld explains that one of the tasks of parents as they raise their children to be mature adults is allow them to experience futility; when they don't get what they want and are unable to change the situation. Whether it is a dropped ice cream cone, no invitation to the party, the death of a beloved pet or a chronic illness they hate, learning to go from being angry at this situation to allowing themself to feel sad is necessary. Rather than be enticed to try and fix the problem for the child, our role is to support them as they get past the anger they are experiencing and allow tears of sadness to appear. He also explains that children who are attached to their peers often remain stuck in the feeling of anger and lash out at the people around them as well as themselves. They find it almost impossible to feel or to express the true sadness of their situation. "Letting go of a desire we are attached to is most difficult even for adults, whether it be the wish that everyone like us or that a particular person love us, or that we become politically powerful. Not until we accept that what we have been trying to do cannot be done and fully experience the disappointment and sadness that follow can we move on with our lives". (Hold On To Your Kids page 122)

What happens to kids who do not have a strong attachment with their family? How is it that some children seem to thrive in life despite a very challenging home environment? Dr. Neufeld suggests it is because they have learned that attempting to get these needs satisfied is futile; they simply learn to let go and move on. "This emotional turning point comes when, instead of being fulfilled by what works, the child's brain registers that the attachment hunger is not going to be satisfied in this situation or at this time...... Our emotional circuitry is programmed to release us from the pursuit of contact and closeness not only when attachment hunger is fulfilled but also when we truly get that the desire for its fulfillment is futile." (Hold On To Your Kids page 122)

When I first read this book I wondered where the topic of hope might fit in. If we are feeling that a situation is futile, does that mean that we have also given up hope. I believe that futility actually offers an invitation to hope rather than destroying it. Once we acknowledge that a situation is not going to change, we are able to be open to new possibilities. Rather than be stuck repeating behaviours that have been unsucccessful, we are able to turn our attention to places of hope and consider what we might do differently. It reminds me of a fork in the road - when one path leads to a dead end we need only retrace out steps slightly and try the other way. We can remain hopeful that the other direction will offer us something wonderful, something unexpected, something that will be life giving rather than life draining.

When our children are faced with deep disappointments, our goal as parents is to simply hold them, love them, give them space to express their anger and frustration and encourage the tears of sadness to appear. When I reflect back on the experience of raising our children, I can see that the times that this occured, they were better able to let go of their disappointment and move on. I can see too, that as an adult I have found it easier to move past a difficult situation when I gave up trying to "fix" it and change it and allowed myself to simply feel the sadness of my circumstance.

What place in your life are you stuck in futility? Where is it that you need to let go of trying to change what is and open yourself up to new possibilities? What is it to choose hope?

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CHRISTMAS MIRACLES

Tonight is Christmas Eve and I am struck by the contrast between the busyness of the season and the peaceful significance of the holiday. Our busy family that includes 2 small grandchildren celebrated an early Christmas last night before some of our kids travel to their new in-laws for the holidays. As I sat and watched our expanding family celebrate together amidst the chaos of wrapping, food and laughter, I was busy but also peaceful.

As we lit the Advent candles and focused on Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love, all of those feelings were present around our table. I feel most grateful this morning for the family my husband and I have and all the other people that enrich the circle of our lives. I am also aware that millions of people are not as lucky. As I ponder why this world often feels so unbalanced and unfair, it is a difficult concept to grasp. All we can do to make a difference is to touch the lives in a positive way of those that cross our path as we travel the journey of our life. As Mother Theresa said: "We can do no great things, only small things with great love."

I experienced my own Christmas miracle last night. Our daughter and son in law gave me my present and I was speachless as I opened the parcel. The book was entitled, "In Praise of Strong Women." The author is the husband of a university professor and friend of mine who passed away years ago from cancer. Our daughter did not know this story! I lost touch with him after his wife's death but remember their family fondly. His wife, Betsy LaSor was one of those "strong women" who touched my life. Although she was a professor of mine in nursing, we developed a lovely friendship. She was an amazing nurse who taught me so much about how to deeply listen and care for patients and people of all walks of life. She came to our wedding and I went to hers and celebrated with her the birth of her first son who was the same age as ours. Then she became ill and passed away much too soon. I wondered last night what the meaning might be of this book appearing in my life at this moment. What is the message that God might be offering this Christmas season? I don't have an answer yet but will enjoy the experience of sitting with the question.

What is the Christmas miracle that might be waiting around the corner for you? What surprise might appear, what long lost friendship might be renewed, what challenging story might find a new perspective, what stranger might cross your path with just the perfect message? Stay awake this holiday season and notice the lovely "coincidences" that appear. Be curious about the significance of them and enjoy the experience of simply "WONDERING" how they might impact your life in 2010.

I wish you a restful holiday season, no matter what your current circumstance, and a sense of HOPE, PEACE, JOY, and LOVE as we celebrate, tomorrow, the birth of Jesus.

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BLOOD CANCER AWARENESS

*EVERY 5 MINUTES SOMEONE IS DIAGNOSED WITH A BLOOD CANCER.
*EVERY 10 MINUTES SOMEONE DIES OF A BLOOD CANCER.
*THE RATE OF HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA IS HIGHEST IN ADOLESCENTS AND YOUNG ADULTS.

I have a long standing commitment and passion for the challenge faced by anyone given the diagnosis of a blood cancer either as a patient or a family member. As a young nurse I worked in pediatric oncology so I worked primarily with children having leukemia. Even at the age of 20 without any children of my own, I couldn't imagine the stress on a family or a child of coping with a diagnosis such as that. The long, difficult and uncertain treatments they had to bear taxed every ounce of energy that they had. I also volunteered for a long time at Canuck Place, a hospice for children, and witnessed again the profound and overwhelming loss experienced by families losing a child.

The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society is an amazing organization that offers a wide range of types of support for patients and their families. One of their most successful programs is their TEAM IN TRAINING. "Athletes" of all sizes, shapes, fitness levels and ages train, fundraise, and participate in a wide range of endurance events. Whether it is a marathon, a triathlon, or a bike race, the energy of being a participant in this program is unbelieveable. In October, 2007, I participated with two friends who are Hodgkin's Disease survivors in the San Francisco half marathon. It was an experience of a lifetime. We raised over $30,000 between us and crossed the finish line victorious in more ways than we could have imagined when we began. My friends found much healing in their old cancer stories and I found a recommitment to the power of fitness in my own challenging health story.

My reason for posting on this topic today is because I just received the newsletter for the Leukemia and Lymphomia Society of B.C. this morning. I have attached the link below in case you or someone you love is struggling with one of these most difficult diseases. This organization has so much to offer everyone who is touched by this disease whether as a family member, friend, parent, child, or patient. I encouage you to click on the link and see what they are offering. The link to their website is http://www.LLS.org/wes

If you are looking for a way to support yourself to increase your level of fitness or if you want to simply participate in an endurance event with an amazing group of people, I encourage you to consider joining the TEAM IN TRAINING program. They offer the training expertise, the motivation and the support for both the race and the fundraising. The money you raise makes a real difference in the lives of real patients and their families. The link to find out more is
http://www.teamintraining.org

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DISEASE PROOF YOUR CHILD

One of the arguments and complaints against diet changes in children that I encounter most often is that they are already picky eats and will be undernourished if we remove common foods like dairy products. My answer is always the same: children naturally gravitate to a few, over consumed foods and their diet most often lacks variety. Children with food sensitivities are on a roller coaster ride of addictive attachment to one or two foods and eat them to the exclusion of other healthy foods. No matter how healthy the food might be, it is balance that children need to stay healthy. An over consumption of a food such as dairy products adds extra fat and calories but does not add all the other vitamins and minerals a child needs to grow and thrive.

I have witnessed amazing changes in children's willingness to eat a wide variety of foods once we have removed the offending one. Even autistic children who are very sensitive to textures and smells of foods expand their repertoire of foods when the one causing their symptoms is removed.

As I complete the research for my book on the topic of food sensitivities and children, I am more committed than ever to increase the awareness of this topic for families. It is simply false information that children can be healthy and develop a strong body that will be free of diseases in the future if they eat a limited amount of fruits and vegetables and over consume foods like dairy products or bread.

For more information on this topic with loads of resources, check out the following website and blog. Dr. Joel Fuhrman is an expert of nutrition and is the author of the book "Disease Proof Your Child."

http://www.drfuhrman.com
http://www.diseaseproof.com

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ANGER - A BLOCK TO FORGIVENESS

What do you do to manage your anger when you can feel it rising in your body? Do you lash out at what you believe is the cause or do you suck it up and say nothing? How does your anger get in the way of your ability to offer forgiveness to the people in your life? At my retreat over the weekend I learned many things and one of them was about the process of anger.

In his book "The Process of Forgiveness", William Meninger describers anger as a "defense mechanism which, when uncontrolled, takes on an animal-like aspect. Its purpose is to forcefully intimidate another into doing something we want. Rarely is it compatible with forgiveness or love." He suggests that all of our anger is related to frustation of one of three different human desires: the desire for security, the desire for control or the desire for approval. I found it interesting to think back on the many places in my life where I have become angry to see if what he suggests is true. I concluded that each of my incidents did, in fact, reflect one of these unmet desires.

Mr. Meninger makes an important distinction between actual control, security and approval and the desire for them "To deal with our desire is always within our power. It is the desire, not the control itself, that is responsible for anger. " For example, if your child wants to borrow your car and gets very pushy and demanding in his requests, your natural reaction is to push back and refuse to give in to his demands. Your "desire to control" is turned on and anger is the result. Once you are aware that this is what is happening, you can simply take a deep breath or two and notice what you are feeling. If you take a minute to calm yourself, notice the feelings you are experiencing in your body, and then quietly say to yourself, " I let go of my desire for control" you will find the feelings dissipating. Once you are calmer and more centered, you are better able to think rationally about a plan of action and respond in a calmer and more loving manner. Notice you never gave up your actual control in the circumstance. You only stopped the natural human instinct of wanting to step up and control something with a quick, knee jerk reaction. After a minute or two hesitation and a chance to regroup, you can better figure out how to actually control the situation from a more loving place.

I found this distinction between the desire for something and the actual doing of it interesting. I can see how it is my animal instinctual desire for something that kicks in before my rational mind has time to think clearly. I have been practicing this over the last couple of days and have noticed a big difference in the energy I feel when frustrated with a circumstance. Give it try and see how it works for you. Take a minute or two to notice whether it is your desire for control, for security or for acceptance that is driving the energy of your anger. After a few deep breaths, repeat the words in your head a few times, "I let go of my desire to control" and notice if the anger begins to slip away. Once you are calmer, then decide the appropriate course of action. I am sure the plan of action you arrive at will be much better than the one born out of anger.

It is almost impossible to forgive someone when you are harbouring a huge amount of anger toward them. Perhaps if we all are better at managing our anger in the moments when it appears, the feeling won't escalate over time and we will be quicker to forgive the people in our life.

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FINDING YOUR DREAM - HOW DO YOU DO THAT???

Today I am doing something new, inviting and a bit edgy - I am going on a silent retreat for the weekend. It was one of those lovely "coincidences that crossed my path last week and my soul lept at the peace and rest the idea offered. My recent vaccination for H1N1 had resulted in a flare up of my autoimmune disorder and I was pondering what it was that I needed. God's lovely voice whispered in my ear to "Google silent retreats" and the perfect one appeared. I always try to listen to these whisperings as they have offered me many gifts over the years so I decided to go.

Meditation, silence, quiet contemplation, and prayer have always helped me quiet the background noise of my life so I could find answers to whatever questions were in front of me. I have certainly increased my time spent listening rather than "doing" over the last year and it has made a big difference in my life. Paths become clear, creative ideas percolate to the surface, and old stories and feelings can be felt then let go.

One of my reasons for choosing this silent retreat is to again try to clarify the path of my work. I have multiple opportunities, different directions I can choose, and a need to be efficient in what I choose to honour the balance I want in my life. I know that it is in the silence and the letting go of my own agenda that I find my way.

What about you? What dreams do you have that you are pushing aside because of the busy "doing" of your life? What exciting opportunities are being created in your life that you are not willing to try because your saboteur tells you it is "impossible"? Is your life so full of "opportunities" that, rather than listen to your soul and choose the resonant ones, you are grabbing at them all and feeling exhausted?

Marcia Wider who calls herself America's dream coach has listed 10 steps she suggests will help you recognize your dream when it appears. We all have natural gifts and talents that we are meant to use to enrich this world but often we miss the opportunities or are too afraid to take a risk. Here is her list. Take a few minutes to ponder where in your life these steps might be calling you to some amazing journey.

1. ENERGY AND ENTHUSIASM
When an opportunity appears in your life that makes you feel alive and excited, take time to explore the idea. If you find yourself thinking about the idea often, imaging what is possible or how your life would be changed if you took the chance, explore the idea further.

2. SIGNS
When you notice common themes, opportunities, and perhaps even dreams that speak to a particular idea, take time to ponder what information might be being offered.

3. THINKING
Often the topics related to your dream are so compelling that they absorb your thoughts, even when you are doing other things.

4. CLARITY AND CONFUSION
Sometimes you are totally clear on what you want and how the dream will feel and sometimes the edginess of the idea has you confused and shaking in your boots. Both experiences simply mean you are up to something big and that you are ready for a big leap or change. Keep exploring the idea as clarity and decisions will come.

5. EASE AND GRACE
This is the experience that appears when things just seem to flow and the pieces fit into place. Despite hitting hurdles and disappointments, the path somehow has a feeling of ease.

6. KNOWING AND TRUSTING
This is the experience of knowing something is right "in your bones." You might not be able to explain why but your intuition is telling you to go for it. Listen carefully and don't let your saboteur make up a story about why it won't work.

7. SHORTCUTS
When unexplained opportunties appear without you having to work hard to create them, they are gifts being offered to your story. Accept these gifts and notice how much easier they make the path you are on. The right time and right place for your dream might just have appeared!

8. CONNECTIONS
Sometimes the right people and right opportunities appear magically in your life. Just when you were struggling to figure out how to find a book agent, a friend offers the perfect connection. Or, like me, just when you knew you needed something but weren't sure what, a silent retreat appears on your computer.

9. JUST FOR YOU
When you have the perfect set of skills, passions, and interests to do a job, this is more than coincidence. Dreams most often allow you to pick up your own unique gifts and talents and use them in a way that makes a difference in the world.

10. JOY AND ABUNDANCE
If the idea of doing what your dream is offering brings a smile to your face, a spring to your step, and makes your heart sing, you are in right place! If the idea of never getting to pursue this dream feels sad and difficult, take a risk, make a plan, and leap!! The magic available on the other side of the risk might just change your experience of your life.

For me, as I have written these 10 points here, I have more clarity for myself. Every one of the these items points me in the direction of finishing my book and then speaking on the topic when I am done. I am passionate about the impact of food on the health, behaviour and learning of children and their families and I have 27 years experience of living this story with myself and my own family. It is a dream to offer this information back to the world as I know, first hand, how much it can change lives. Perhaps my retreat this weekend will offer a little more wisdom on the topic. I will practice letting go of my own agenda and trust that what I hear will be perfect for what I need. I hope you will learn to do the same.

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HOW DO YOU SHOW UP IN THE SMALL MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE?

Mother Theresa said, "We can do no great things, just small things with great love." I love this quote as it is a reminder to be intentional about how we show up in our life day to day, minute by minute. While the significant things we do for others are always appreciated, it is most often the small, seemingly insignificant things we offer that have the biggest impact. When in your life has someone reached across the table and taken your hand when you were upset? When has someone just called to say hi when they knew your were having a difficult time? When did you take a minute from your busy life to smile at the elderly man at the bus stop or the homeless man sitting on the cold sidewalk in the rain? When is the last time you hugged your child as they run by or told a friend how much of a difference they make in your life?

Where you focus in life is where your life goes. If you live in moments of gratitude as you travel through your day, the experience of your life with be transformed. We all long to be known and seen so having someone give us even a few moments of their undivided interest and attention feels amazing. Nowhere is this more obvious than in hospitals of all kinds. As a nurse, I have witnessed thousands of "moments" where someone's sadness, pain, and fear is lessened by a momentary touch, a smile, or a listening ear.

So, I challenge you today to be present in your life as you go. Don't rush past the people, the flowers, the children, the sunsets, the music or the thousands of small things that will cross your path today. Give the people you meet a moment of your time and attention and watch how it will transform the experience of your day.

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