HEALING AND CANCER TV SUPPORT GROUPS AND INFORMATION

If you are a patient or a family member who has been touched by cancer, take some time to check out this resource. The website contains information on webcasts and retreats that are being offered as well as a host of other information.

The website is: http://www.healingandcancer.tv/
The site is facilitated by Dr. Rob Rutledge, MD, a radiation oncologist at Dalhousie University Nova Scotia Cancer Centre and Dr. Timothy Walker, PhD, who is a psychotherapist, teacher, and works with Eastwind Stress Reduction. Their book, The Healing Circle, is also available for purchase on their site.

Beginning on January 15th at 3 pm PST, they are offering weekly "Skills for Healing" cancer webcasts. These webcasts will include information on how to get complete cancer care, healing skills like mindfulness and meditation, techniques such as visualization, body scan and Yoga as well as home practices for healing. These webcasts are free to anyone affected by a blood cancer or related condition.

I find it so encouraging to see the wide range of resources springing up on the internet related to both patients and caregivers. While in-person groups work well for some people, participating anonymously on line or being able to access information in the privacy of their own home helps more people get the support they need. I am always happy to support programs like this.

[ Read More... ]

HOLDING ON, LETTING GO

Have you ever had an experience where you were holding onto something when it was time to let go? Perhaps you want to make a change but are finding it difficult to let go of a familiar habit or way of life. One of the biggest obstacles to change is the uncertainty that we experience as we let go of something familiar and reach for something that feels uncertain. It is only when we are highly motivated to remove ourself from a situation that feels very difficult or when we want something very badly that we are willing to tolerate the discomfort of change.

This song entitled HOLDING ON, LETTING GO, speaks to the challenge of change.

http://youtu.be/eab8WrL--q8

What if, however, we found another way to look at life? What if we were willing to embrace both holding on and letting go at the same time? What if the experiences of our life were neither "good" or "bad" but simply part of the tapestry we were creating as we grow. In my experience, many situations that were difficult in the moment offered amazing gifts or a valuable piece of learning down the road. As I get older I have more and more faith that this will always be the case. I am more willing to let go of the things in my life that aren't working with a strong belief that something different and wonderful will come as a result. Rather than having a dualistic view of life where things are either good or bad, strong or weak, helpful or harmful etc, I now am trying to embrace the concept offered by contemplative prayer authors such as Richard Rohr that we need to embrace both sides of life at the same time. Rather than push change away, it is possible to simply embrace all the experiences of our life, whatever they are, with hope.

So, if you find yourself in a place of needing to let go of something in your life that isn't working but are afraid of what might be ahead, relax. Trust that all the things work together for good if you can only be patient and wait.

[ Read More... ]

THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through it is the bravest thing we will ever do." Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection

Brene Brown's book entitled "The Gifts Of Imperfection" is a wonderful reminder to "Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. The book is full of human stories of people struggling to allow their world to see them as they are rather than who they are pretending to be. In her years of research on shame, she came across a population of people who were able to successfully embrace imperfection and vulnerability. They were able to show up most days in their life with a strong sense of who they are and a willingness to give life an honest shot without being obsessively attached to the outcome. They lived life to the fullest and were able to embrace the outcomes, whatever they were. They were masters of what Brene calls "Wholehearted Living".

She lists 10 guideposts that she believes make wholehearted living easier to do. They aren't a "to do" list but simply a life's work, the work of the soul. Read the list below and imagine what each of them means to you. " However afraid we are of change, the question we must ultimately answer is: What's the greater risk? Letting go of what people think or letting go of what I feel, what I believe, and who I am. ......Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It is about cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wakeup in the morning and think, "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough."

The ten guideposts she offers are:
1. Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think

2. Cultivating Self Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism

3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness

4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark

5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty

6. Cultivating Creativity: Letting go of Comparisoin

7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self Worth.

8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle

9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self Doubt and "Supposed to"

10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and "Always in Control"

If you would like to learn more, check out Brene Brown's website at www.ordinarycourage.com and watch her many short videos on You Tube on imperfection, shame, and compassion.

[ Read More... ]

ORDINARY COURAGE - THE COURAGE TO SPEAK OPENLY AND HONESTLY ABOUT WHO WE ARE

Ordinary Courage - a great phrase and one that is used often by Brene Brown. How would you define ordinary courage? If you had it, how would it impact your life?

Brene Brown defines ordinary courage as the willingness to speak honestly and openly about who we are. It is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open about both your successes and your failures. She has been doing research for years on the topic of shame and how practicing ordinary courage is one of the antidotes to allowing shame to minimze who we are.

Shame is believing there is something inherintely wrong or deficient about us. This is different from guilt which is what we feel when we do something that is inconsistent with who we want to be. Guilt can motivate us to change our behaviour whereas shame results in us hiding who we are for fear of the judgement of others. In her book " I Thought It Was Just Me (but it wasn't)", Brene talks about how to increase our resilience to shame. Shame is a universal experience and one that can bring great pain to our lives if we allow it to fester and take root in our heart and our soul.

The biggest antidote to shame is empathy. Empathy is the quality we look for in our friends and family that allows us to feel heard. Brene Brown offers these four qualities as the ones well developed in people who successfully offer empathy to the people in their life. Take a few minutes and notice who in your life offers this experience of safety for you.

Empathetic people:
1. Are able to see the world as others see it. They are able to let go of their own beliefs, perspectives, and judgements long enough to be open and curious about the other person's feelings and point of view.

2. Are nonjudgmental about the stories and experiences of others. They listen with their heart and make every effort to be open to what is being shared with them without criticism or passing judgment.

3. Are able to understand another person's feelings. They are able to hear what is being said and also what is unspoken and conveyed by body language. They are able to reflect back to the other person the emotions they are noticing to check in to see if they are correct. They do not need to fix the problem or offer solutions but are able to simply honour the other person's experience.

4. Communicate their understanding to the other person. They actively listen to the other person and give them their full attention. They may share a short personal experience that is similar in order to convey that they truly understand. Even if they have no personal experience with the issue being presented, they are still able to offer a listening ear, a kind and accepting heart, and a willingness to offer their time and their support. As Wendy Harphum writes, they respond by saying "I hear you and I am here".

Only when we are offered warm, accepting empathy from people who are willing to invest in our relationship, can be find ways to navigate through our feelings of shame. It is by cultivating safe and nourishing relationships where we can be vulnerable and open about our feelings and experiences that we can reconnect to the ordinary courage that we have. We are then able to safely share who we are, what we want, and celebrate both our successes and failures as simply being part of the journey of being human. We are loved and accepted for who we are and no longer need to pretend to be something else in order to be loved, accepted, and heard.

To read more about ordinary courage, check out Brene Brown's website at http://www.ordinarycourage.com/ She also has a number of wonderful short talks on shame, vulnerabilty, ordinary courage and other topics on You tube and also on Ted Talks.

[ Read More... ]

IT IS NOT THE SIZE OF THE LOSS BUT THE SIZE OF THE SORROW

As I was doing a little research for my previous post I came across this on Dr. Robert Fulghum's website!! I love it!!! It speaks to the human side of sadness and sorrow in a way that I have never heard!! I have pasted it below and give him full credit for the amazing story he has written. If you want to read more of these, check out his website at www.robertfulghum.com

FROM THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE OF DR. ROBERT FULGHUM. CHECK OUT www.robertfulghum.com 

January 21, 2010

Seattle, Washington - January 20, 2010

IT’S NOT THE SIZE OF THE LOSS,
BUT THE SIZE OF THE SORROW.

Last Saturday - out for an early morning walk.
Heavy fog - a chilly, drippy start to a January day.
Nobody else seemed to be out and about.
So quiet . . .
Until I’m a block from the nearby park.

From somewhere close by I heard the sound of a small child crying.
But the fog was so thick I couldn’t see far enough to locate the child.
The Good Samaritan Alert goes on in my mind.
Trouble? Lost? Injured? What?

Hurrying along I found, standing on a corner, these three:
A mother, a child, and a dog.
The mother was weeping.
The child was crying.
And the dog looked so forlorn it would have been in tears - if dogs did that.

All three were in basic Seattle cold-wet-weather gear, including the dog - a yellow Labrador, wearing a yellow rain slicker over most of him.

The child was bundled up and packed down inside a high-tech baby carriage that could be used as a Mars Rover if it had a motor.
All I could see of the child’s face were its eyes, awash with tears.

As I appeared out of the fog the child was the first to speak:
“Have you seen my . . . ?”
The word was lost in a sob.
“Seen what?” I asked, thinking puppy, kitty, doll, teddy bear, father?

Blankie turns out to be the operative word.
And the child is a little girl named Nelly, about four years old.

It took awhile, but between the tearful mother and Nelly, I got this story:

Once upon a time . . . Nelly’s grandmother made a blanket just for her.
Nelly became deeply attached to the blanket, as children will.
In time, the blanket became little more than a deteriorating rag.
Last summer the dog and Nelly had a tug-of-war with the blanket.
The big dog tore off a big chunk of the blanket.
The mother did not repair the blanket, thinking it was history.
Alas, Nelly remained fully committed to both parts of the blanket.

This morning the mother has been out jogging with the Nelly-in-the-bucket.
Somewhere along the way the lesser part of the blanket went overboard.
And now, despite retracing the route three times, it cannot be found.

The mother choked up again.
Nelly lapsed into sobs again.
And the dog lay down with its face in its paws.
All three were wet, cold, and approaching hysteria or hypothermia or both.

“What does the blankie look like?” I asked
“Like that . . .” said the mother, pointing at Nelly’s wrapping.

Around Nelly’s neck and head was entwined what might be the desiccated remains of a dead python.
Lumpy, fuzzy, brown and green and red, with yellow stripes here and there.
A raggedy remnant of what once was the blanket.
A blanket now in such grim shape that you might find it in the reject dumpster out behind a recycling center.

“My blankie,“ moaned Nelly, tightly clutching the dead python.

This could be funny.
And maybe . . . someday . . . it will be.
But not now.
Not to Nelly.
Or the mother.
Not even to the dog.

As the world rates catastrophes, the missing partial blankie is small stuff.
But to Nelly . . . a major loss.

I was struck by the serious dignity of her grief.
No wailing or screaming or fit-pitching.
Just sad-eyed sorrow.
“I need my blankie. . .”

What could I say or do?

Should I explain to Nelly that the Buddha said that the attachment to things is the source of sorrow? Be not attached.

Should I say to Nelly that her situation is the glass-half-full, glass half-empty
attitude problem? Be glad you still have most of the blanket.

Should I tell Nelly that life isn’t fair and that losing a partial blankie is training for future losses in life?

Shall I elaborate about hurricanes, earthquakes, fire, thieves, and the loss of a limb or sight or parents? Could be worse.

Or maybe explain to her about the losses involved in love and friendship, when what is lost is never found again?

No. Nelly is four.
Sooner or later she’ll find out on her own, like the rest of us.

Nelly’s sorrow is still real to Nelly.
And grief is to be attended to, not judged or analyzed or dismissed.
This was not the time for the Good Samaritan to offer a sympathetic discourse to mother or child or dog on the existential realities of the human condition.
Dispassionate explanations will not help.

So I knelt down beside Nelly and said,
“I’m so sorry.
I understand.
I had this happen to me once.
It made me cry, too.
I’ll look for it.
And if I find it, I’ll make sure you get it back.”

(And to my complete surprise, when I said that, tears came to my own eyes.
I’m not sure just why.
Perhaps I was thinking of the times in my life when I wish someone had said that to me when I was grieving over a loss of my own.
Lost Blankies come in many sizes and shapes and forms.)

What I said seemed to help. Not much. But some.
Enough to set the threesome in motion again on their quest.

Blocks away I found the missing semi-blankie.
Or thought I did. Several times.
In the half light of a foggy morning, many heaps of mossy trash lodged under bushes resembled partial pythons.

The false sightings reflected my hope that I could and would find Nelly’s blankie, and be the one who returned it.

But I did not and was not.

So what’s this all about?
I’ve been asking myself that for the last few days.

My frustration in this small matter mirrors, I think, a deeper universal human wish that any one of us could make things better for all those in pain wherever, whenever, no matter how small the loss or large the sorrow.

FROM THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE OF DR. ROBERT FULGHUM. CHECK OUT www.robertfulghum.com

[ Read More... ]

I HEAR YOU. I AM HERE!

When you are expressing a challenge to a friend or family member, what do they say? Do they try and fix it, minimize it, or change the subject to themselves or do they respond as suggested by Wendy Harpham M.D. by saying, "I HEAR YOU AND I AM HERE.

Today as I celebrate the 1 year anniversary of the severe flare up that I had of my autoimmune disease, I received a new blog posting from Wendy Harpham's blog. This woman knows all about challenge, adversity and HOPE. She was diagnosed with cancer at an age when she was the mom of young children, a practicing physician and in the prime of her life. The multiple recurrences that she experienced caused her to close her practice and to wonder where this journey was going to end. She courageously tried a number of treatements and shifted her focus to writing at home both for her own healing and rest and to make a difference to those travelling journeys like hers. She has a unique opportunity to do that as she has seen the journey of cancer from both sides of the bed. She is now a successful author and writes books that help physicians understand how to be with patients in some of the most challening experiences of their life and ones that support patients to find their way to being a "healthy survivor". Her cancer is now in remission and she is able to travel the world delivering her message of HOPE to health professionals of all kinds. Her messages always include real life strategies to find healthy hope in the midst of life's challenges. I love what she has to say and encourage you to take time to read the postings on her blog. Her blog is www.wendyharpham.com

For me, I am celebrating this past year. My health is much improved although certainly not exactly what I had hoped for. I can see, however, how much I have grown in this past year in so many different ways. The most significant thing I have learned is how to simply sit in the midst of adversity and allow myself to feel it. It is so easy to minimize it, distract myself away from it, hide how I am feeling from others, and simply press on with my life. I have made a conscious and deliberate choice this year not to do that. I have, instead, allowed the multitude of feelings I have felt to surface and simply sat in the experience of them. I have discovered that when I give them space, they hang around for a while and then the energy disapates and I can get on with my day. I sit quietly every morning in the lovely ritual of centering prayer and allow myself to quietly "rest in God". This practice enriches my day and my life. My story still isn't easy but I am so much better able to connect to healthy hope.

Wendy Harpham's blog posting speaks about the topic of support as we all share the stories and experiences of our lives. What about you? Do you keep it inside and pretend that you are "fine" so you don't burden other people with your problems? Do you press on in your life and deny that your experiences are as difficult as they really are? Do you have people in your life who will answer "I hear you. I am here." when you share your journey with them? Having people who are able to listen deeply to your story and respond with a positive "You are not alone. I am here" makes a huge difference. Cultivate those relationships in life so that when you need a hand someone will hear you and offer a little support. Remember, too, to say the same to the people in your life. Don't try and minimze their problem, tell them you're sure it will turn out fine, or simply walk away or change the subject because it feels too challenging for you. Offer what support you can in the midst of your own busy life and trust that others will do the same for you.

I am going to rewrite Wendy Harpham's blog posting here rather than include only the link because I think it is so well written. Read it and ponder how it might apply to your own life and circumstance.

Taken from Wendy Harpham's blog posting on Friday, February 4, 2010

A natural response to people who confide that they've been diagnosed with a disease (or that they are afraid of dying, are worried about getting through treatment, or are feeling any other unpleasant emotion), is to empathize and try to lift their spirits.
Unfortunately, the response that comes naturally may not be the most helpful to someone who wants to be a Healthy Survivor.
The expression of unpleasant thoughts and feelings is how Healthy Survivors (1) signal they have a problem or (2) respond to a problem.
With this in mind, a healing response often begins with some variation of this: "I hear you. I'm here for you."
If people share with you that they have been diagnosed with a disease, instead of saying you are sorry or that it'll turn out fine, consider saying, "Thanks for letting me know. I will be here for you whatever way you want me to be here."
If people share a fear or two, instead of trying to minimize the danger or bolster their confidence, try saying, "Yes, that is frightening. I'll walk with you, whatever happens."
If they share a weakness, you can say, "That's okay. Because you don't have to do this alone."
"I hear you. I am here."

[ Read More... ]

TAMING YOUR WORRY GREMLIN

I am up early this morning and aware of the "worry" on my mind. Rather than drift peacefully back to sleep which is what I would choose, I can feel myself pondering the topics ruminating in my thoughts. Did our new grandson finally poop after one full week of not going despite being breastfed? How did our young grandson and daughter in law sleep after having their flu vaccine yesterday? How will my conversation go this afternoon with an organization committed to helping families with autism?

I am surprised by my wakefulness as none of these topics seem logically to be a big issue for me. What about you - what topics are playing out in your thoughts that are making rest a little more difficult than you would like?

As I thought about my predicament, I decided to do something productive about it. I learned long ago that "worry" is best managed first by doing something concrete to find a practical answer to the question on my mind. So, I searched the internet for information and discovered that breastfed babies often poop infrequently and, as long as they aren't in pain, they are fine. Great - something I already knew but needed a reminder. I then remembered my suggestion to our daughter in law that she and our grandson take Tylenol just in case the vaccination gives them some symptoms and makes sleep more difficult - something she really can't afford with a newborn! I then thought about my meeting this afternoon and how privileged I am to look forward to spending some time with people committed to supporting families facing challenges - a passion of mine.

So, after a few minutes of thought and research on the internet, I let go of my worries. Finding some type of concrete action or forward moving plan seemed to take the energy out of the issues and allow me to trust that all will be well. It also allows me to trust that if a challenge does appear, I have loads of options at my disposal to find an answer.

It is true, however, that when the "worry" feels very large such as a new diagnosis of autism for our child, a diagnosis of a serious or chronic illness in a family member, or the fear of losing our job, moving past worry is infinitely more difficult. When we are in the midst of a challenging story, fear and worry often loom large in front of us and are difficult to quiet.

So, what can we do when faced with the big worries of life? Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. Take time to notice how much of your "worry" is based in fact and how much is your imagination running ahead of you. Take a piece of paper and write down your thoughts and then read them over to yourself. What is true and what are you allowing yourself to believe is true - there is a big difference. If you have a new diagnosis of a difficult disease, your current symptoms are a challenge but imaging how the story will play out in a year's time is imagining the unknown.

2. Share your worries with a trusted person who will listen without judgment. Often the outside perspective of someone else can help you find a more balanced and realistic view of your situation. At the very least, sharing the story helps lessen the feeling that you need to go it alone.

3. Do something practical that will help. It might be to search the internet as I did to find some answers. It might be go back to your doctor and ask for clarification and answers to your questions. I might be connecting with others facing similar challenges to learn how they have coped. Whatever you do, do something. Being proactive allows you to regain a sense of control over the situation.

4. Find a way to create joy and balance in your life. Worries have a way of preoccupying the mind and draining energy. You will be amazed how a walk in the sunshine, lunch with a friend, exercise at the gym or even a nap might shift your perspective.

5. Lean into your faith if you have one. You can only do what you can do and then you must learn to let go of the outcome from there. If you can trust that God is watching over you and your situation, simply living for today and letting tomorrow take care of itself will be easier.

6. Give your worry space but only within limits. Worrying thoughts can preoccupy your mind all day long if you let them. Try, instead, to set aside a time for worrying and immerse yourself totally in the experience. Notice how you feel, what you are thinking, how your body feels and anything else that pops up. Truly FEEL the experience and don't push it away. Our tendency is often to avoid painful situations and to attempt to numb them over with things like food, alcohol, grabbing at friends, or avoiding addressing the situation all together. It is much easier to move past a challenge by allowing yourself to fully experience it first and then go on with your day. I suggest that you set a timer for 15 minutes or so and then be committed to putting the worry aside and carrying on with your life when the timer goes off. Seem like an odd idea - give it try! It really works.

"If I had my life to live over, I might have more actual troubles but I would have fewer imaginary ones." (Don Harold)

"That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you can not change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent. (Chinese proverb)

[ Read More... ]

NOURISHING HEALTHY HOPE

HOPE is absolutely my favourite word and favourite topic! Where do we find it when we are lost? How can we nourish it in times of adversity? How do we support others to find it? Wendy Schlessel Harpham is a physician, a cancer patient and a healthy survivor of her disease. She has written multiple books related to her cancer journey and has some very inspiring things to say about HOPE.

The topic is on my mind as I spoke over the weekend at the B.C. Parkinson's Society new diagnosis day. As I spoke to both the patients and caregivers that were there it was clear that they were looking for HOPE - hope that their disease could be well controlled - hope that they would have the courage they know it will take to travel the journey - hope that they will have friends and family who will rise in support - and hope that medical science will quickly find an answer to relieve their suffering.

So, whether you have a chronic disease, a child with a health problem where you are searching for answers, or a work or life story that feels overwhelming, it is possible to nourish hope. Read Wendy's list of the types of hope below and then explore ways that you can nourish and cultivate healthy hope both for yourself and for others in your life.

1. Wishful thinking: "A type of hope based on fantasy." It can be temporarily helpful if it helps you distract yourself in the midst of a difficult situation. Dreaming of winning the lottery and relieving your financial struggles might feel helpful for a short while but will not, realistically, provide any real solutions. It can also prevent you from seeking opportunities to find real solutions to your challenges.

2. Blind hope: "A unquestioning belief in someone or something based on unearned trust". This type of hope allows you to believe in anything you want but doesn't offer a connection to anything real or practically helpful.

3. Empty hope: "This is the appearance of hopefulness for the benefit of others." It is pretending to be hopeful so that the people around you believe you are "fine". Unless you can honestly connect to hope and make this experience true for you, it offers only a place of hiding from your true feelings and experience.

4. False hope: "This is hoping for something that can't possibly come true." It drains much needed energy away from finding solutions and answers as you put energy into something that is doomed to fail.

5. Realistic hope: "This is belief in the possible." It is based on facts and realistic ideas so this type of hope is very strong.

6. Faithful hope: "This is belief in something that is beyond your control" Strong faith helps you make sense of the unpredictable and unexplainable things that happen in your life. It does not compete with realistic hope but adds to it. It suggests the phrase, "Pray as if everything depends on God and act as if everything depends on you."

7. Healthy hope: "This is belief that your situation can actually improve." Realistic hope and faithful hope form the foundation of healthy hope. By embracing and nourishing this type of hope in your circumstance and your life, you are better able to find the courage and the strength to keep going. In the midst of the most difficult adversity, looking for places that offer a realistic chance of something positive makes the journey feel less overwhelming.

This information is from Wendy Schlessel Harpham's book called "Happiness in a Storm" It is her story of facing illness and embracing life as a healthy survivor. No matter what type of adversity you are facing, it offers loads of hope and practical wisdom. Check out her website for loads of inspiring articles at www.wendyharpham.com

Take time to nourish both realistic and faithful hope for yourself. Look for the places where you can take a concrete step to improve your situation or connect to stories of others who have overcome similar circumstances. Find a faith that you can lean on in the most difficult moments when nothing seems to make sense and you feel lost. Begin each day by connecting to healthy hope and nourish it as you go.

[ Read More... ]

NURTURING BUOYANCY AS A CAREGIVER

We all know what we "should" do when we find ourselves overwhelmed and overtired in a role where we are asked to care for someone else. Whether we are an overworked mother or a husband caring for a wife with Parkinson's disease, the challenges are similar. Our friends and family happily remind us that we need to care for ourselves and ask for help but we often feel irritated and annoyed with their suggestions. Don't they get it!! I know what I need to do but I just don't have time to do it! I don't know where to start I don't know who to ask! Actually, I don't have anyone to ask!!! And on and on the challenges go.

Here are a few of the most common places where people stumble when caring for someone else. Have a read and see how many of them you have experienced. What if you actually placed yourself high up on your own priority list? What if you really did ask for help when you needed it? What if you took a little time to care for yourself?

I am overwhelmed, overworked, and overtired! I know I need to change something but I can't figure out where to start!

Any type of chronic disease or ongoing challenge impacts every part of your life. Draw a circle, divide it into sections and label each one with the important parts of your life. As you look at each section, decide which one offers the easiest and most helpful small change you could make. Take the bold step and make this change to once again feel in control of your circumstance.

Stressed! Am I stressed? I haven't had time to notice.

Stress shows up in many different ways in our lives. Take time every day to stop and notice exactly how you are feeling. If you have a nagging health complaint, are feeling exhausted all the time, are withdrawing from your life or are angry and impatient most days, you are stressed. Do something concrete to care for yourself NOW rather than wait until things get worse.

Yes, I have lots of unanswered questions and concerns but I am afraid to ask them. They might seem silly and the doctor is really busy.

YOUR questions matter. Keep a paper handy when you can jot down your questions as you think of them and take this page with you when you go to appointments. Speak up for yourself and ask for answers. If you are unable to find answers there, look for other resources that will help.

Self care. I don't have time and, besides, it feels selfish to make time for what I love when there is so much else that is more important.

Self care is not a luxury, it is a necessity. Caregivers have a 50% higher rate of illness than the general population so take time to do the things that fill your soul and offer rest. Decide for yourself what this is and don't be swayed by the well intentioned ideas of others.

Would I like some help? Of course I would! Do I ask for it? No, not really. I will ask for help when I really, really, need it and right now I am "fine".

Please don't wait to ask for help until you are sinking. Create a community of support around yourself and your family now and then don't consider it a sign of weakness to lean on them when you need to.

I keep doing thing for my husband but he doesn't seem to appreciate it. I just can't get it "right" and he often criticizes the things that I do.

We all feel and experience love differently. Notice both for yourself and for your friend or family member with Parkinson's disease which type of help feels most caring. It might be a kind and gentle touch, it might be caring and affirming words, it might be the offering of small gifts, it might be quality time spent together, or it might be simply doing something helpful. The book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is a great resource for this topic.

I feel like my wife and I are growing apart. I know we are still husband and wife and love each other but if often feels more like we are patient and caregiver or strangers in the same house.

Make time for intimacy and connection. Build a strong friendship, manage your conflicts when they happen, and honour each other's dreams. Spend time together redesigning the dreams you have and look for ways to make them happen despite the disease.

I take regular breaks to do things on my own but they don't seem to help. The whole time I am away I am thinking about my mom or my baby and worrying about what is going on at home.

Compassion fatigue happens when you care too much for too long. You need to find ways to put down your worry when you take a break rather than simply carry it with you. This might include having someone stay with your family member or friend while you go out in order for you to get a true, restful, break.

Am I making a difference? Hmmmmmm Perhaps I am even though I am not perfect.

Everything you do makes a difference. Give up trying to do it perfectly. Just care and do your best. That is more than enough.

Finding that often elusive balance isn't easy, no matter what our circumstance. Coaching offers something very unique in places where people feel overwhelmed by their life and the demands that it contains. If you are feeling lost in your life and are looking for an empowering way out, give me a call. I am pleased to offer a few hour of sample coaching - an hour that might just help you see your whole story a little differently.

[ Read More... ]